Claudia 的信
給曾經的我：
我們之間就不用說客套話了。我們仍然討厭「你好嗎？」這一句話。
我知道自從你有了「存在」的概念，你就難以想像一年一年地繼續活着。但無論喜歡與否，我們還是生存下來了。「生存」以前從來沒有出現過在你的腦海裡。沒有人留意到。同樣地，你也沒有留意到。你早就懂得在人前消失。
到不被皮膚囚禁的角落。
帶走我的靈魂，洗淨我的罪惡。
我的感覺在離岸攤躺。
我許願高飛，卻夢見沉降。
但願我還有你少年時寫作的詩歌。我覺得只剩下一小部分實在很可惜。我喜歡你的詩歌。雖然這似乎有點難爲情。我知道寫這些詩歌和故事是你情緒的出口。你寫作時並不知道你的感覺是甚麼。這些寫作讓現在的我知道曾經的我是誰。
這些文字爲我們倆留下了深刻的印象。
我是自己的頭腦的囚犯。
受我的情緒隨意擺佈。
也許我們只能短暫地保持冷靜的頭腦；但不需要為此感到羞恥。因爲我知道我們努力過了。
我們一直努力嘗試。
在外看來一切如常。
你的吶喊化成無聲的歌。
他們把耳朵堵上。
「對不起」就像掛在嘴唇上的死皮，愈是拉扯便愈嚴重。但我希望為自己能確立和尊重自己的底線而慶祝。我爲你發現和了解自己的需要而驕傲。我更爲你容許自己優先處理自己的需要而驕傲。我希望爲你每一次專注於當下並探索自己感到被逼和內疚的原因鼓掌。我們要拋開往昔的枷鎖大步走往自由，對吧？雖然這令你我都感到不舒服，不過就讓我們在尷尬之中坐下來感受一下這誇獎。我、爲、你、自、豪！（我要給我的治療師喝彩和表示感恩，她給了我很多支持、關懷和寶貴的人生教訓。）
你記得你說過抑鬱對我們來說是甚麼嗎？
感到要死。
想要活着；
不知道如何。
現在的我想對曾經的我說：你會學習嘗試活着。你的好奇心會引領你。多謝你總是盡你所能。我很慶幸你保持了真我。當沒有人肯定你的痛楚時我會願意肯定。我知道這對你來說十分困難。你曾將生活扔給你的廢料焗製成魔鬼的蛋糕。十多年以後你會用朱古力糖霜把它裝飾寫上「恭喜你有自閉症！」。很感謝你活下來。
為了讓你得到安慰，希望你能知道：
你會撐過來。
你會到達岸上。
你的身體只屬於你。
你的現實是真實的。
你的感受是重要的。
你的聲音擁有力量。
愛你的
現在的我上
Dear Who I Once Was,
There’s no need for pleasantries between us. We still dislike “How are you?”.
I know you couldn’t imagine living beyond the year ever since you had the concept of existence. But whether we like it or not, we’ve survived. “Survival” never even crossed your mind then. No one ever noticed. Likewise, unnoticed even by yourself. You’ve long mastered the disappearing act.
Gone someplace uncaged by skin.
Take my soul, wash me free from sin.
Feelings lie beyond the shore.
I dream of sinking, when I wish to soar.
I wish I had all of these poems you wrote back when you were barely a teen. I find it a pity that only a tiny fraction remains. I like your poems. As cringey as it may be. I know you found release within those poems and stories. You didn’t know what you were feeling when you wrote them. It gave Who I Am Now a lot of insight into Who I Once Was.
These words you wrote have left a lasting impression on both of us.
I’m a prisoner of my own mind.
At the mercy of my emotions.
Maybe a calm mind is fleeting for us; there is no shame in this. Because I know we’ve tried.
We’ve tried so hard for so long.
Whilst outwardly nothing seemed wrong.
Your cries ring out in a voiceless song.
Muffled ears it fell upon.
“Sorry” still hangs off our lips like dead skin, the more you peel, the worse it gets. However, I want to celebrate improvement in setting and respecting my boundaries. I am proud that you’ll discover and define your needs. I am even more proud that you’ll give yourself permission to prioritise your needs. I want to applaud each time you stayed present and explored why you felt obligated and guilty. It is a stride towards breaking free from the shackles of your past, isn’t it? As uncomfortable as this makes you and I, let us sit in discomfort with the praise for a minute. I AM PROUD OF YOU. (Kudos and thank you to my therapist for all your support, care and invaluable life lessons.)
Remember what you said depression is to us?
Feeling like dying.
Wanting to live;
Not knowing how to.
Who I Am Now, wish to say to Who I Once Was: You’ll learn to try to live. Your curiosity will guide you. Thank you for always trying your best. I’m glad you stayed true to who you are. I want to acknowledge your pain when no one else did. I know it’s terribly difficult for you. Life threw dung at you and you baked it into a Devil’s food cake. Which you’ll later decorate with chocolate icing “Congrats’ you’re Autistic!” decades later. Thank you for surviving.
May there be respite in knowing:
You will survive.
You will reach the shore.
Your body belongs to you only.
Your reality is valid.
Your feelings matter.
Your voice has power.
Love;
Who I Am Now
