Leading up to and during my pen-ultimate year in my bachelor studies, I was quite depressed. When I finally sat down to list out my symptoms at the encouragement of friends, which I took to a private psychologist (or maybe a psychiatrist, I keep getting confused between the two – and I’m not the only one) so I could get a diagnosis – they decided its mild to moderate only. Apparently near constant suicidal thoughts, and 2-3 hours or less daily sleep is not severe enough – because I’m religious, and preprogrammed to not acting on the impulses – I’d rather die naturally and not 100% go to Hell. The visits, which led to me diagnosis and referral into public hospital system, were about 2-3 hours in total, and paid for by a bursary by my university which was quite supportive. They even suggested I defer my studies.

Throughout my treatment which was mainly public hospitals in Hong Kong, I faced a number of challenges. Not a single one, no matter how much I explain, understands the place of family and friends in my heart – to them its all just peer or family pressure, and responsibility or roles, religious beliefs and values – doesn’t cross their minds. The only cure I was advised, is either “therapy” or “drugs” – the later ruined my mind quite a bit, more so than depression even. I emerged from that drugged up cure having developed addictions to devices and social media – which was in part due to the pandemic and self-isolation, but the medication did contribute in weakening my resilience. My physical health deteriorated as well, but that can be lack of activity.

I was also referred to some neighbourhood care centres for youth / mental health. Their solution was to force me to visit them, to have “mindful meditation” 1-on-1 with some Chinese guy who didn’t speak English well. He’d show me these videos and calming music, trying to teach me “exercises”. Made no sense to me, and it was both tiring and annoying to co-ordinate those appointments, which gave me no tangible outcome. So I gave up. They didn’t follow up.

Honestly, the worst period of my life and the only reason I came out of it with any sanity, is due to support from friends. But they had to keep pushing, for years, before I opened up. It could’ve been easier if they were actually engaged from the beginning, but the care system makes that impossible. Everything is censored, and public health practitioners talked to me 5-10 minutes before assigning new or repeat drugs. No prompts, few questions, no follow-up except every few months. I honestly can understand now why the suicide rate is so high in Hong Kong.

Having gone through this system, and the few alternatives available for non-Chinese people, I’d honestly say religion may serve better than any mental health care options including Zubin & MindHK. Nobody is willing or able to help people before they actually try to kill themselves and fail. But if they succeed, then there’s nothing to do but cover it up. Few stories make it into the news.