Back when I started a new job and part-time master simultaneously, my anxiety about performance on job and study became overwhelming. I consumed a lot of sweet food, withdrew socially, and intentionally did not take enough rest. In order to ‘fix’ my problem, I tried different apparently healthy coping strategies, like exercise and frequent social gathering. However, the anxiety became more and more overwhelming, and I felt depressed about my anxiety was not going away. Retrospectively, I realized that I had always tried to avoid my difficult feelings.

At that time, I attended an 8-week mindfulness course. In the initial stage of practicing mindfulness, it was very uncomfortable to do nothing and just sit with the difficult feeling; I felt like the anxiety was becoming more intense. After a few times of practice, I observed that the anxiety and physical sensation could come and go on their own good time without doing anything in response to it. I could stop ‘fixing’ my difficult feeling since I always have the capacity to observe and contain them.

The change of my relationship with anxiety is maintained by regular practice and the daily observation that I choose to do over and over again; no matter how many times I have stopped practicing mindfulness and got trapped with the intention to ‘fix’ my anxiety from time to time. I learn that a timely and appropriate mental health support is vitally important and learn to be committed to take care of my own mental health.