{"id":11618,"date":"2023-07-07T04:00:02","date_gmt":"2023-07-07T04:00:02","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mind.org.hk\/ambassador-story\/vishal-zh-hant\/vishals-poem-an-atheists-prayer-zh-hant\/"},"modified":"2025-02-24T18:10:49","modified_gmt":"2025-02-24T18:10:49","slug":"vishals-poem-an-atheists-prayer-zh-hant","status":"publish","type":"ambassador-story","link":"https:\/\/www.mind.org.hk\/zh-hant\/ambassador-story\/vishal-zh-hant\/vishals-poem-an-atheists-prayer-zh-hant\/","title":{"rendered":"Vishal \u7684\u8a69 – An Atheists Prayer"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n
I\u2019m gonna Mathew Maconnaisance tomorrow,<\/p>\n

Tomorrow morning,<\/p>\n

Wake up at 6 AM.<\/p>\n

Go for a run, hit the gym,<\/p>\n

Meditate, eat some fuckin Kale,<\/p>\n

Avoid all social media, read some articles,<\/p>\n

Learn, work, work on your passion,<\/p>\n

Get one step closer to the top of the mountain.<\/p>\n

Hit the ground running,<\/p>\n

Productive as hell.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The morning of.<\/p>\n

My brain spun the roulette wheel,<\/p>\n

Bet on red,<\/p>\n

Came up black and now I feel\u2026<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Now I feel scared.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know what of or why,<\/p>\n

I guess I\u2019m just scared of being alive?<\/p>\n

I want to skip all the way back to night,<\/p>\n

Pass the time like I\u2019m in Skyrim,<\/p>\n

Is that air I\u2019m breathing?<\/p>\n

I could really go for my own personal Morpheus,<\/p>\n

There is no spoon, or in other words,<\/p>\n

Getting out of bed should be no big deal,<\/p>\n

But it feels like I just woke up in a warzone.<\/p>\n

Even though the sky is blue.<\/p>\n

In my fridge I\u2019ve got food,<\/p>\n

I got clean water, a hot shower,<\/p>\n

I got a family too,<\/p>\n

And you, you do this every day don\u2019t you?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

So why can\u2019t I?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Balance the equation of depression:<\/p>\n

On one side is misery and inaction:<\/p>\n

On the other side must thus be that<\/p>\n

I gotta be so pathetic that I can\u2019t hack this.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

What\u2019s my excuse?<\/p>\n

Someone wrapped chains around my bed,<\/p>\n

Whilst I wasn\u2019t looking, that\u2019s gotta be it,<\/p>\n

They came in at night, broke down the door, shot me with a tranquilliser dart,<\/p>\n

Lingering after effects of a break in,<\/p>\n

That invisible chain gang,<\/p>\n

That\u2019s why I\u2019m scared of\u2026<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Nothing.<\/p>\n

Like a child is scared of monsters under the bed.<\/p>\n

I have food but I don\u2019t want to eat,<\/p>\n

And the not wanting,<\/p>\n

It must all be my responsibility,<\/p>\n

I stink but I don\u2019t want to shower,<\/p>\n

Because this stench is what I think,<\/p>\n

I deserve to smell like, like I\u2019m toxic,<\/p>\n

Like I\u2019m a vampire sucking the light out of everyone else\u2019s eyes.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

You can read the symptoms off in the DSM.<\/p>\n

Or google it.<\/p>\n

You can have a therapist tell you it\u2019s your brain playing tricks.<\/p>\n

You can be given pills and a diagnosis,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

But you also suspect,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

That there are people that love you,<\/p>\n

That there are people you respect,<\/p>\n

Who deep down or out loud say and think:<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

What\u2019s wrong with him?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And the litany of isn\u2019ts, if onlys, if he justs, buts, sneers and laughs<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Like I\u2019ve fallen off the ladder,<\/p>\n

Somewhere in someone else\u2019s mind,<\/p>\n

A cautionary tale,<\/p>\n

A joke without a punchline.<\/p>\n

A failure.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And if the mind reigns supreme,<\/p>\n

Or because genetics, nurture nature who gives a shit,<\/p>\n

We\u2019ll never really know,<\/p>\n

But if the cards I\u2019m dealt amount to a low blow,<\/p>\n

That\u2019s got other people rolling their eyes.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Well then I\u2019m going to perform a magic trick.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

If the mind reigns supreme.<\/p>\n

Then I will meet my demons on that field.<\/p>\n

And I will build a church.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Yes,<\/p>\n

I\u2019m an atheist, there are no gods,<\/p>\n

When you die its game over,<\/p>\n

Game over man,<\/p>\n

The problem of evil has no solution,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

But still on some field, in some mental space.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I lay the bricks of a church.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Okay,<\/p>\n

That\u2019s too much effort.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I mean shit, cathedrals are expensive.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

So how about a shrine?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

An altar?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I lay stones on the ground.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And I get on my knees<\/p>\n

And I pray.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I know, even the voices are shocked,<\/p>\n

They think it must be a joke.<\/p>\n

But no,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

In the face of all this horse shit,<\/p>\n

I,<\/p>\n

An atheist,<\/p>\n

Prays:<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And my prayer is:<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

That there will be days that come with a storm in tow,<\/p>\n

And on those days my soul, will for reasons unknown be laid low,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

But one day,<\/p>\n

The sun will rise, with such glory,<\/p>\n

Smog free, an orgasm in space,<\/p>\n

And the clouds will shit rainbows out all over the place,<\/p>\n

And the blue sky will be how I feel inside.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

One day.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

(It\u2019s a weird prayer right)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

But one day.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I will wake up without fear in my heart,<\/p>\n

Instead, courage will rage through my blood,<\/p>\n

With the drive of an army on the march,<\/p>\n

To grab hold of every second of the day,<\/p>\n

I will carpe the diem like nobody\u2019s business,<\/p>\n

I will conquer my todo list,<\/p>\n

Like Alexander except I\u2019ll actually be great.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

One day.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

There will be no chains upon my bed,<\/p>\n

Gravity will reverse, I will grow wings,<\/p>\n

And I will fly out into the day,<\/p>\n

Grow my own organic kale,<\/p>\n

Eat avocado toast like a good millennial,<\/p>\n

And the minute hand will crawl,<\/p>\n

But the hours will soar,<\/p>\n

And I will smell the scent of my espresso,<\/p>\n

Will taste the nutty notes,<\/p>\n

Will take the cleanest poop,<\/p>\n

Will feel so deeply alive,<\/p>\n

Because the opposite of depression is not happiness,<\/p>\n

It\u2019s vitality,<\/p>\n

And the opposite of darkness<\/p>\n

Is light.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

On that day,<\/p>\n

One day,<\/p>\n

I will strive.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

There will be no task that I cannot overcome,<\/p>\n

There will be no email that will go unanswered,<\/p>\n

All efforts will be rewarded,<\/p>\n

And all the work of all the years,<\/p>\n

Will burst out from the ground like a garden,<\/p>\n

Will rocket skywards like some kind of crypto scam,<\/p>\n

All competitions won,<\/p>\n

All lessons taught,<\/p>\n

All promotions awarded,<\/p>\n

All points scored,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

One day,<\/p>\n

Despite all the days that came before,<\/p>\n

I will be standing,<\/p>\n

Hands in the air,<\/p>\n

Crying: ADRIENNE!<\/p>\n

After decking Apollo Creed,<\/p>\n

In a fucking movie that I wrote the screenplay for,<\/p>\n

That I starred in,<\/p>\n

That launched my career as an international action sensation ,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

One day,<\/p>\n

I will fly through the sky,<\/p>\n

I will ride the new MTR line,<\/p>\n

I will visit temples and learn truths,<\/p>\n

All audiobooks will be listened to,<\/p>\n

All Coursera courses finished,<\/p>\n

I will build castles in the sky out of multi coloured lego bricks,<\/p>\n

Piece by fucking piece.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And I will invite all my friends to see.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And they will look at me.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And they will not say, either with their words,<\/p>\n

Or their eyes,<\/p>\n

Or their silences in between.<\/p>\n

That I am weak.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

They will know,<\/p>\n

That this day is a victory,<\/p>\n

Not just for me,<\/p>\n

But for every one of my brothers and sisters,<\/p>\n

Chained to their beds every day.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

This I pray,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

In the altar of my mind.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

These words I say,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

In the midst of this depression,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

In this land of unhope,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

In this meagre punishment for a minor crime,<\/p>\n

That no court sentenced me to.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

In this quirk of a brain,<\/p>\n

As the minutes of the day turns to sand,<\/p>\n

And wash down the drain,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

That one day,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I will breathe the free air.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And I will meet my own eyes in the mirror.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And I will assume that every man and woman who glances at me in the street,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Is checking my fine ass out.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

To all the gods that are not,<\/p>\n

This is what I pray.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And I have to be but one thing instead today:<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And that is Brave.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

For today I am scared of invisible thoughts.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And that\u2019s okay.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

My future self gives me permission to<\/p>\n

Lie in bed,<\/p>\n

Wait,<\/p>\n

Nothing is lost,<\/p>\n

Because of that soon to be day,<\/p>\n

Instead<\/p>\n

Play the Legend of Zelda again,<\/p>\n

Eat an entire jar of Nutella,<\/p>\n

Call and bitch and cry and scream,<\/p>\n

Or just wait.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And pray to my future self,<\/p>\n

My happiness yet<\/p>\n

to be,<\/p>\n

My victory\u2019s yet<\/p>\n

to come,<\/p>\n

That though I walk through the valley in the shadow of death,<\/p>\n

Depression, anxiety and delusion.<\/p>\n

Thou art with me<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

My one day.<\/p><\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"featured_media":0,"parent":10204,"menu_order":0,"template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"","ast-site-content-layout":"","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"default","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"ast-content-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}}},"tags":[],"class_list":["post-11618","ambassador-story","type-ambassador-story","status-publish","hentry"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nVishal \u7684\u8a69 - 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