{"id":11616,"date":"2023-07-07T03:53:32","date_gmt":"2023-07-07T03:53:32","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mind.org.hk\/ambassador-story\/vishal-zh-hant\/vishals-poem-bipolar-lessons-zh-hant\/"},"modified":"2025-02-24T18:10:46","modified_gmt":"2025-02-24T18:10:46","slug":"vishals-poem-bipolar-lessons-zh-hant","status":"publish","type":"ambassador-story","link":"https:\/\/www.mind.org.hk\/zh-hant\/ambassador-story\/vishal-zh-hant\/vishals-poem-bipolar-lessons-zh-hant\/","title":{"rendered":"Vishal \u7684\u8a69 – Bipolar Lessons"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n
My story isn\u2019t that interesting<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

But<\/p>\n

When I was a kid,<\/p>\n

I guess it felt like I was louder than loud\u2019s meant to be,<\/p>\n

Told to pipe down despite not being in polite company,<\/p>\n

Tried on being a clown, clowning around\u2019s a productive use of misery,<\/p>\n

At least in my experience:<\/p>\n

Laugh or cry?<\/p>\n

Why not both, said the guy with bipolar.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

A little mental health joke there for ya.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

My skin was paper thin, good for writing in,<\/p>\n

Prick me I\u2019ll scream, could be a real prick as well,<\/p>\n

Sadder than sad ought to be,<\/p>\n

Unable to do what for others might look easy<\/p>\n

So of course I felt weak and was labelled lazy.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Potential: He has potential,<\/p>\n

That\u2019s what they told me,<\/p>\n

Potential but lazy, full of potential energy,<\/p>\n

Like if you wind a spring,<\/p>\n

Pull a thread until its about to snap,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

If you looked closely,<\/p>\n

You would see my back stayed hunched,<\/p>\n

Eyes on the floor, terrified all the time,<\/p>\n

Sure I was fat, convinced I was ugly,<\/p>\n

Though at most objectively chubby,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

A kind teacher noticed some of this,<\/p>\n

Got me help, like a psychiatrist,<\/p>\n

Counsellor, psychologist, the only one that worked<\/p>\n

Was the nutritionist,<\/p>\n

The pills did not.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And if the medicine wasn\u2019t enough and I was still screwing up,<\/p>\n

Then logically it must have all been my fault.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

So I was anorexic and misdiagnosed as depressed,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Bipolar Lesson number 1:<\/p>\n

Your gut feeling is bullshit,<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t trust your emotions,<\/p>\n

Question your thoughts.<\/p>\n

And yes, the logical extension of this philosophy<\/p>\n

Means that often you will feel lost.<\/p>\n

We aren\u2019t friggin Vulcans after all.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Aside from my emotions<\/p>\n

My memories are flawed<\/p>\n

Because every time I have an episode it damages my brain,<\/p>\n

And so my memory deteriorates,<\/p>\n

And sometimes that scares the heck out of me,<\/p>\n

And so I tell myself those are mental battle scars from dealing with my disease<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Battle scars. That\u2019s what I said.<\/p>\n

Sounds a bit melodramatic, doesn\u2019t it?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

But the truth is when I can\u2019t move,<\/p>\n

Because I\u2019m down in a hole in my head,<\/p>\n

I tell myself:<\/p>\n

Put on your shoes and go for a run<\/p>\n

Because endorphins are a hell of a weapon,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

That I am a fighter and that I didn\u2019t give up.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Today at least.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Melodramatic maybe.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Whatever keeps you moving<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Bipolar lesson number 2:<\/p>\n

If someone looks lonely, just do for them,<\/p>\n

What you wish someone should have done for you.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And when I\u2019m pumped for the days,<\/p>\n

When the sky is clear,<\/p>\n

The time finally came,<\/p>\n

To chase my dreams,<\/p>\n

And I got my schedule planned out before me,<\/p>\n

And then one sentence.<\/p>\n

One stupid sentence someone says,<\/p>\n

Sends me crashing down,<\/p>\n

And something\u2019s screaming inside to recognize that I am so weak,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I tell myself:<\/p>\n

It\u2019s a fight. You gotta fight back.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t give up so easily.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

But that is not what it looks like.<\/p>\n

It looks like I\u2019m doing nothing.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

My story isn\u2019t that unique.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Like a lot of people like me it eventually came to a head<\/p>\n

For me it was when I was 26:<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Rock bottom, finally down for the count,<\/p>\n

Truth is I was ready to check out<\/p>\n

Leave the stage, adios<\/p>\n

Never have to age,<\/p>\n

Why would I want to,<\/p>\n

When I got 50 more years of this crap to look forward to,<\/p>\n

It\u2019s just maths in the end.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

But for some reason, I found myself in front of a psychiatrist,<\/p>\n

Somewhere in Kowloon,<\/p>\n

And I begged him to slow my mind down,<\/p>\n

Give me pills, anything because otherwise tomorrow,<\/p>\n

Well\u2026<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Here is a fictional recreation of that conversation:<\/p>\n

Because my memory sucks.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Mr Nanda you are not depressed,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Mr doctor, man I am depressed, now give me the pills dude.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Mr Nanda you have a mood disorder:<\/p>\n

You\u2019re bipolar type 2:<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Well how about that.<\/p>\n

So do I get pills?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Yes.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Nice.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

They were not nice,<\/p>\n

And I didn\u2019t believe him at first,<\/p>\n

Or the next doctor either,<\/p>\n

I didn\u2019t want to believe it was true,<\/p>\n

I mean you\u2019re telling me I\u2019m what\u2026crazy?<\/p>\n

My whole life,<\/p>\n

Throughout it all?<\/p>\n

But what he was also telling me:<\/p>\n

Was that it wasn\u2019t all my fault,<\/p>\n

And that can mean the world.<\/p>\n

When the whole time I\u2019d been labelled by myself and others<\/p>\n

As a failure, or at least lazy<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Bipolar lesson number 3:<\/p>\n

They\u2019ll call you lazy because it’s hard for you to do what they think looks easy<\/p>\n

But a black hole reflects no light and that they can’t see,<\/p>\n

They’re pulled on by a different kind of gravity<\/p>\n

Still I’ll be lying if I said it didn’t feel pretty shitty<\/p>\n

I am not a Zen Buddhist monk, a stoic center of calm.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m pretty sure Marcus Aurelius was not bipolar.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

No, we\u2019re trigger happy.<\/p>\n

One word leads to one thought leads to an emotional extreme,<\/p>\n

It\u2019s all about falling down,<\/p>\n

And yo-yoing back up,<\/p>\n

Inconsistency, nothing steady or sure,<\/p>\n

Storms that come out of nowhere.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

So yeah,<\/p>\n

I tell myself I\u2019m a freakin mind warrior.<\/p>\n

Shooting fire balls out my ass if needed.<\/p>\n

To deal with what I hear you think,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Bipolar lesson number 4:<\/p>\n

Never be too sure you know what others think,<\/p>\n

You are not psychic despite feeling like it<\/p>\n

If you were you would understand that some people whilst thinking of you<\/p>\n

Touch themselves<\/p>\n

And ain\u2019t that a comfort<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Along side that, I worship at the temple of hope.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And other people don\u2019t understand what it\u2019s like,<\/p>\n

To live that kind of life,<\/p>\n

Because this is my life,<\/p>\n

Until I die,<\/p>\n

And it took me awhile to accept that,<\/p>\n

But it\u2019s better to accept than deny,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Bipolar lesson number five:<\/p>\n

You\u2019re gonna have to fight because<\/p>\n

They merely inherited the dark said Bane to Batman,<\/p>\n

Whereas you will be trained to recognise the light.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

So yeah, in my head,<\/p>\n

I pretend that I am a fighter,<\/p>\n

And that this is a fight,<\/p>\n

Hell I could be a Jedi,<\/p>\n

Except they are way too calm am I right?<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t think there are bipolar Jedi,<\/p>\n

What I\u2019m saying is I do whatever it takes to make myself strong,<\/p>\n

I tell myself that the voices are demons,<\/p>\n

They aren\u2019t who I am,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And on a really bad day,<\/p>\n

I might go online to find the others with bipolar,<\/p>\n

People I\u2019ve never met,<\/p>\n

When everything in my head is telling me I\u2019m a mess,<\/p>\n

I go online<\/p>\n

And you know what these strangers said?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And I quote:<\/p>\n

\u201cFight on\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFight the demons\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cKeep up the fight\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Because for some reason,<\/p>\n

We say we are fighting.<\/p>\n

We never agreed to it.<\/p>\n

Never had a bipolar world meeting,<\/p>\n

It would be hard to schedule that considering our mood swings.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

So I guess I\u2019m not some lone samurai in a dark forest,<\/p>\n

But a soldier on a battlefield,<\/p>\n

And one person\u2019s comment is a signal flare,<\/p>\n

Lighting up and revealing my comrades all over the world.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Before the light fades.<\/p>\n

Yeah: bipolars are dramatic,<\/p>\n

Have you got that yet?<\/p>\n

We got that in spades.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

So its a freakin mental war,<\/p>\n

That can go on for days,<\/p>\n

And meditation,<\/p>\n

Is your katana made out of adamantium,<\/p>\n

Exercise your plasma bazooka,<\/p>\n

Your green lantern ring? Proper sleep routines.<\/p>\n

You want to learn psychic martial arts?<\/p>\n

There are many forms:<\/p>\n

Panther: IE CBT<\/p>\n

Crane: That is to say gratitude journaling<\/p>\n

Iron fist: Mindfullness practice<\/p>\n

And lest I forget,<\/p>\n

Your tactical nuke,<\/p>\n

Take your meds for god sakes.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

We pretend to be fighters,<\/p>\n

And you know what?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I posit to you<\/p>\n

That maybe we are.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Maybe we are titans,<\/p>\n

Bench pressing mental weights people will never see,<\/p>\n

Contending with lies in our mind, sometimes for days on end,<\/p>\n

Enduring despite loneliness and isolation,<\/p>\n

Struggling against overreactions<\/p>\n

Sifting hallucination and delusion from reality,<\/p>\n

Believing beyond all belief,<\/p>\n

Whatever it takes to keep us going.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

So yeah we\u2019re a rising phoenix\u2026<\/p>\n

A heavy weight taking hits\u2026<\/p>\n

A level 20 fighter thief in dungeons and dragons dealing crits\u2026<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Oh shit,<\/p>\n

Right:<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Bipolar lesson number 6:<\/p>\n

You might be manic.<\/p>\n

Rather than Jesus, Yeezus, or a genius<\/p>\n

But in the words of Douglas Adams:<\/p>\n

Don’t panic,<\/p>\n

When you come crashing down and look around<\/p>\n

At all the wreckage and regret all the things you’ve done and said<\/p>\n

It\u2019s not our faults I promise.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

We\u2019re just sick.<\/p>\n

And despite believing I\u2019m in the X-men sometimes,<\/p>\n

Many days it doesn\u2019t do the trick.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Believed I could feel it all when I was up,<\/p>\n

All the pain in the world,<\/p>\n

All the love,<\/p>\n

Sensitive as a landmine,<\/p>\n

About to go off,<\/p>\n

Mad splurges of productivity,<\/p>\n

How my mind could speed,<\/p>\n

And how nothing was ever enough.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Didn\u2019t even know who I was,<\/p>\n

Between the ups and downs,<\/p>\n

The medicine:<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

So bipolar lesson number 7:<\/p>\n

You are going to question who you are are<\/p>\n

Are you the guy who got into the fight last night<\/p>\n

And cried<\/p>\n

Confided that you wanted to die<\/p>\n

Pried a bit too much into someone else\u2019s business<\/p>\n

Lied when you felt the rush<\/p>\n

Waking up with someone else to the ruins of your life<\/p>\n

Where you will deny that you are a hollow shell<\/p>\n

To that I say: screw that crap!<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s my YouTube TikTok TED talk:<\/p>\n

It\u2019s called:<\/p>\n

You are your best self<\/p>\n

Nobody else.<\/p>\n

You are the version of you that takes care of yourself,<\/p>\n

You are the version of you that tries every day to get out of bed<\/p>\n

You are the one who said they’ll be there for their friends<\/p>\n

You are the one that tries to make do and do better,<\/p>\n

And rebuilds after the storm<\/p>\n

Despite the mental weather,<\/p>\n

You are your better angels not your inner demons,<\/p>\n

You are the one who doesn’t give up<\/p>\n

Contending with mental illness makes you mighty<\/p>\n

Not the other way around<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And the truth is I\u2019m one of the lucky ones.<\/p>\n

And my story really isn\u2019t that interesting.<\/p>\n

My meds work, for the most part,<\/p>\n

I could afford private therapy,<\/p>\n

I had the support of friends and family,<\/p>\n

By the grace of my luck, I get to survive, maybe even thrive,<\/p>\n

Or at least I get to try.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

But not all of us who fight get to live that kind of life.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Like my brother who refuses to take his meds,<\/p>\n

Is in the throes of a psychotic episode,<\/p>\n

Where he thinks he is at war with Elon Musk,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Or my sister who hears angels and demons in her head,<\/p>\n

Jumped out of a moving taxi when she was depressed,<\/p>\n

Put on 20kg because of the meds,<\/p>\n

Has been unemployed ever since.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And the people around them can actually worsen their days,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Bipolar lesson number 8:<\/p>\n

No matter how much they love you they still might not relate<\/p>\n

That can create a certain kind of loneliness<\/p>\n

You have try and remind yourself that they’re trying to help in their own way<\/p>\n

That\u2019s a love that’s worth keeping track of<\/p>\n

It’s hard, people sometimes don’t know what to do<\/p>\n

They aren\u2019t mental health professionals<\/p>\n

They’re just loving you as best they can<\/p>\n

You\u2019re gonna have to be big enough to realise that counts for something<\/p>\n

Try to explain, educate<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Or just avoid the hell out of them.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

That\u2019s a viable strategy too.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And if I tweaked their brains.<\/p>\n

And gave them the same condition,<\/p>\n

There is no guarantee they would do any better.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

They call it being touched with fire.<\/p>\n

The artist\u2019s disease.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Some people romanticise it,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

But its really not that romantic.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Some people wake up at 3 am to clean,<\/p>\n

Spend way too much money<\/p>\n

Incapable of anything but playing video games<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

We aren\u2019t all Vah Gohs and Kanyes.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It\u2019s really not that romantic.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

You might ask me what to do,<\/p>\n

You can\u2019t edit my genes,<\/p>\n

Though if you can invent some better meds,<\/p>\n

By all means please go ahead,<\/p>\n

Or maybe a microchip inside my head,<\/p>\n

Whatever, I\u2019ll take it.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

But all I\u2019d ask is for you stay awhile, and listen.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

(Just as you have been patient enough to do tonight \/ this evening)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It might sound trite,<\/p>\n

That love kindness and empathy matter,<\/p>\n

That love, kindness and empathy can change a life.<\/p>\n

That love is necessary, not just nice.<\/p>\n

And to a person in a desert,<\/p>\n

It can be the oasis.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

You never know what someone else is dealing with inside their minds.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

My bipolar bear buddies are some of the best people I know.<\/p>\n

And no name tag,<\/p>\n

No address, no CV or salary or certificate,<\/p>\n

No list of accomplishments will ever record their medals.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

My story may not be that interesting.<\/p>\n

But ours is.<\/p>\n

And not just people with bipolar,<\/p>\n

But anyone who struggles with mental illness,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

They can totes pretend to be badass mind fighters too,<\/p>\n

Welcome to our battlefield,<\/p>\n

Design your own uniform.<\/p>\n

Make sure it looks cool.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And you may never be able to fight our battles for us.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

But you can stand by our side.<\/p>\n

That makes a huge difference.<\/p>\n

Supporting doesn\u2019t mean you have to solve it.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s just who we are.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And whatever illness you face<\/p>\n

If you are in the fight,<\/p>\n

If you constantly try,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

There\u2019s bipolar lesson number 9,<\/p>\n

10,<\/p>\n

11,<\/p>\n

12 and all the way to the end:<\/p>\n

It\u2019s simply this:<\/p>\n

Dear friend,<\/p>\n

You are not alone.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

You aren\u2019t the only one.<\/p>\n

There are millions of us.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

We are not weak or broken.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

We just may not always be in the same room.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

But if you are weird like me and imagine a cyberpunk dystopian battlefield,<\/p>\n

With psychedelic shape shifting demons,<\/p>\n

Or something like a little less extra<\/p>\n

Like you are just being pestered by some kind of squeaky annoying heckler,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Whatever you picture,<\/p>\n

Add to that image the truth:<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

That we are right there standing with you.<\/p><\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"featured_media":0,"parent":10204,"menu_order":0,"template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"","ast-site-content-layout":"","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"default","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"ast-content-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}}},"tags":[],"class_list":["post-11616","ambassador-story","type-ambassador-story","status-publish","hentry"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nVishal \u7684\u8a69 - 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